Pieces
by teaandcharcoalforbreakfast
Summary: Back on Earth, Karkat and John try to get re-accustomed to human life. The only problem is that Karkat's still insecure, John is still an idiot, and life wasn't perfect before to begin with. Okay, that's a lot of problems. But it'll all work out. ...Right? Direct sequel to The Long Way Home. Past self-harm


This is a direct sequel to The Long Way Home and will probably not make any sense without it.

TW: past self-harm.

Suggested music for this fic:

Where Is My Mind: Pixies

Creep: Radiohead

Wonderwall: Oasis

* * *

The first thing I noticed when we switched back was a lack of color. Even before I felt Karkat's body growing softer and cooler, I saw everything getting bleached. For a moment I felt like the whole world had been printed when the universe was out of magenta ink. But then my brain must have flopped back because, instead of being alien, everything just felt _right. _And then there was human Karkat in my arms, softer and paler and with all of the colors I'd just started to get used to him having.

I inhaled deeply, filling my lungs with real Earth air. There was a different taste to it: sweeter, cleaner than Alternia's, and _fuck, _it was like walking into Grandma's house for a major holiday and having the air be thick with spices and cookies and everything good and safe and happy. As soon as Karkat and I broke apart I saw the outside world through the window and I realized I'd never needed something so badly in my life. Before I knew what was happening[,] I tore down the stairs and out of the lobby and then dove face-first into the grass. The dew soaked my clothes, making them icy cold against my skin. I couldn't stop laughing.

Karkat peered through the window at me, shaking his head and grinning. He threw it open and shouted, "You're fucking crazy!"

"You love it!" I called back. "Come roll around with me!"

"And get soaked? Fuck you, Egbert!"

He slammed the window shut and I rolled onto my back, laughing wildly. A woman walked by with a fluffy little dog and gave me a look that on any other day would have made me curl up and stare at my feet. She probably thought I was high or something. But you know what? Screw her. I was home for the first time in almost a year and I was having the time of my life. Besides, her pink jacket looked so weird and wonderful after so long that I started laughing harder.

About that time Karkat came out. He sat on the ground next to me with a scowl on his face; but I knew to watch his eyes and they were full of undeniable affection. I scooted a little closer and put my head on his thigh. Karkat was an awful pillow even as a human, all sharp angles and hard bones, but he was warm and smelled good. I didn't know what it was about him. There was soap in there, and the sort of mild musk of healthy young man, but really I couldn't quite describe it. I mean, it made me think of safety and friendship, but I'm guessing you'd have a different idea of what that smells like than me. Think about it for a second, okay?

He refused to look down at me, but it wasn't long until one of his hands was buried in my hair, petting and scratching gently. I hummed happily, almost missing my ability to purr. Everything was smell and color and feeling and familiar and _home._

I'm making a mess of this, I know. Karkat's read this over a few times ("Jesus fuck, Egbert. This doesn't make sense to me and I was _there") _but whenever I try to write it out I get so excited just remembering, and if I stick to the dry facts you wouldn't understand what I'm trying to tell you. I'm not as good at this as Karkat is, and he probably should be writing this out, but he had his chance and this is _my _memory so ha.

Anyway, I'm not sure how long I sat there, being sun-soaked on one side with water seeping into the other. I looked back up at Karkat. The sun shone through his hair, giving him one of those halos you see in renaissance paintings and bad pornos. It really brought out the red in his hair and showed its thinner, softer consistency. I lifted my hand to touch it and it felt so lovely beneath my fingers. It was soft, fluffy, almost like a cat's fur, a pleasant surprise after months and months of what was basically horse hair.

"Kitty-cat," I said softly, smiling ear to ear.

He leaned down and kissed my forehead, not even making a face at the nickname. In exchange, I picked up one of his soft, pink, slightly hairy hands and kissed the back.

"You're beautiful like this," he murmured, "I've missed my squishy, brownish, Egderp."

Honestly, I wasn't sure what to say. "You too" came to mind, but I'd always thought of Karkat as my nubby-horned, gray-skinned troll friend. It had been so weird seeing him in class, not looking anything like himself other than the expression. Besides, he was taller and broader and his face was even a little wider. Still, there was something gentle about this form, even though he was still grumpy and a little sharp, and it brought out who he really was when you stripped away his fear that his troll self just didn't. It made it easy to forget his softness, his vulnerability. He probably liked it better that way.

"You don't look half bad yourself."

"What's this? Mister not-a-homosexual flushing for _me?" _he asked, mock-scandalized look on his face.

"Nah, I'm pale as Dave's ass and straight as a ruler. 'M just saying you can pull human off."

"You know, you were a handsome troll yourself."

"Hey Karkat?"

"Yes?"

"We should get a girlfriend."

"_A _girlfriend? Singular?"

"Yeah. That way I'm not competing with some girl for your attention."

"What happened to 'straight as a ruler,' Egbert?"

"Oh, come on, you know it's not gay if the balls don't touch!"

Karkat rolled his eyes but couldn't keep the smile off his face. We were quiet for a moment listening to the sounds of earth cars and earth birds and just _Earth. _I laughed to myself again. Everything was flawless. Then Karkat's human stomach grumbled in my human ear and I laughed even harder. He went bright red and refused to meet my eyes.

"Come on," I said, pointedly not mentioning it. "Let's go eat lunch."

He nodded and stood, but then got an odd look on his face.

"What's wrong?"

"Jesus fuck, John, my pants are _soaked!"_

"Ha! That's what she said!"

"Oh bullshit. We're both going to die virgins and you know it." He offered me his hand. I took it and let him pull me to my feet.

"That's why we get a girlfriend! Who could resist us as a set?"

"Anyone with half a brain."

"Don't crush my dreams."

"I can crush your testicles instead if it would make you feel better," he growled.

But he couldn't fake being mad for long once we made it into the kitchen (both with new, dry clothes, thank god) because I turned the radio on.

I hadn't gotten the chance to learn much about troll culture before I became one of them, but one of the first things I noticed is that they _love _singing. Any downtime they had: in their houses, in the union on campus, hell, even in the _park _they'd break into songs with as many elaborate parts as there were trolls. Most of it they just made up on the spot too, except for one or two singing the melody which could be anything from their oldest legendary ballads to popular songs that had been written the week before, but sometimes even _that _was made up too. I found out that no one had ever bothered to invent instruments. They just used what sounds they could make with their bodies. Given, there were chirps, clicks, and purrs that humans can't make to add some more variety, but still.

And it seemed like Karkat hadn't switched off of that mindset because a split second after I found a song he started to sing. His thin, smooth tenor filled the apartment and I listened in wonder that had never quite faded after months and months of hearing him. Then all of a sudden he noticed me staring and stopped, an adorable blush on his face. I knew he wouldn't keep going if I didn't join in, so I did even though I wasn't half as good as he was. Karkat played with the line, sometimes above, sometimes below, sometimes meeting it, but always making beautiful overtones and harmonies. I was more of a "belt along to something resembling the melody" kind of guy. But still, he liked me singing with him so I did. It was worth it to hear his voice washing over me.

"You've improved a lot," he said during one of the commercial breaks.

"Thanks," I said, turning to hide my blush.

"It's true, you know. Maybe someday you can take over the tenor line and we can go to three parts."

"Oh hell no, Karkat. I'm not that good."

"That was what you said when we invited you to start singing with us at all."

"Oh shut up."

"Think about it, okay?"

"Alright," I said softly.

He smiled at that and I knew it was only a matter of time.

I don't know if I'd ever tasted anything as good as the mac & cheese with hotdogs we made that night. Alternian food is weird, everything is either absolute mush or impossible to chew. I had no choice but to get used to it, because if I didn't eat I'd die and it was generally better to just swallow the slime and tough meat, but God did I miss earth food! I think Karkat did too, because he doesn't generally eat that much, but we went through three boxes that night and he was keeping up with me plate for plate.

After we were done I was pretty sure I was gonna die. Karkat must have felt even worse since he's almost a foot shorter than me, even though he's proportionally bigger in the shoulder and chest area. He looked like he was gonna puke. We shuffled over to the futon and flopped down in front of the TV, in hopes that after a few hours of movies we'd feel a little less terrible. The night before Karkat had showed me the "vastly superior" troll version of Fight Club (it had some stupid long title, but it was obviously Fight Club), and by the beautiful magic of universe jumping, it had been transformed into regular awesome Fight Club. Even if it was a shitty movie, we would probably agree to watch it anyway for the sake of not moving; it was just better that it was an awesome one. Karkat would preach until doomsday about how romcoms are the best genre ever invented, but he was grinning still like a maniac watching everyone beat the shit out of each other. Later he'd claim he was enthralled in the psychological aspects and the foreshadowing, but he was responding a little too well to the fighting for that.

"Let's start a fight club," he said when we'd finished jamming out to Where Is My Mind.

"Hell yes."

"I hate to admit it, but I sort of miss strifing. I used to do it all the time with Crabdad."

"I did it a little with my dad too," I replied, leaning gently on his shoulder. "I think less than with yours, though."

He grinned at me. Even though he didn't have fangs anymore, his canines were longer than normal and the reddish tinge in his eyes gave him a wild look. "Let's go."

"Karkat, you are like half my size."

"You're also a beanpole."

"You're thinner than I am under your sweater."

"It's lean muscle, dammit!"

"You know I actually _did _sports in high school, right?"

He growled, actually _growled, _and jumped on me. He might be one hundred and ten pounds soaking wet, but if all of that lands on your chest at once you go down, okay? I shoved him off of me and onto the floor.

"Oh, crap, Karkat, are you okay?"

Instead of answering, he grabbed my shirt and pulled me down with him. I grabbed him back, and we rolled around on the ground trying desperately to pin each other. There was a lot of swearing going on from the both of us as the other got an upper hand or we banged into a piece of furniture.

Eventually, I managed to get him (duh). I sat on his thighs and put his arms above his head. I was about to make some stupid awful comment about him being on bottom or something equally stupid. Then realized his sweater had ridden up. Then I saw the scars. They were long, thin, red, shiny, and fucking everywhere. I let go of his wrists like I'd been burned and found that the sleeves had been pushed aside too, showing even more marks, some of them fresh.

"John? What's wrong?" He blinked up at me, eyes wide and confused.

My eyes started watering and I leaned down to squeeze him tightly.

"Hey! What the fuck are you doing?"

"Oh, Karkat…"

"Did the switch turn your already mushy brain into a pile of sodomized dogshit or something?!"

"Ssh, ssh, you're safe here, alright? It'll all be okay."

He suddenly stilled. "You saw, didn't you?" He was quiet for a minute. "You can let go of me."

I did and scooted away. He carefully covered the scars – and in some cases scabs – back up, his eyes refusing to meet mine.

"Don't worry about it," he muttered.

"Don't worry about it?!"

"That's what I just said. I'm okay."

"Karkat, I don't think that's okay!"

"Look, it's been a long time since I've-"

"That didn't look like a long time."

"I haven't since we went back to Alternia! I don't know why they came back so fresh, alright?"

I just sat there, looking at him, trying to read his face, trying to think of what was the least awful thing to do in this situation. He finally looked me in the eye, but his face was closed off again, which had to be a herculean effort for someone who was usually an open book. I opened my mouth to say something else, but he stood and rushed out of the room, leaving me sitting in a pile of crushed popcorn as the DVD menu blared behind me.

He started avoiding me after that. If you'd have asked me before how easy it was to avoid someone in a 500 square foot single bedroom apartment, I would have said it was basically impossible. Karkat proved otherwise. When I'd come into the living room, he'd go study in the kitchenette. When I came to make food he'd suddenly have to use the bathroom. Even when we slept he'd always hang off the far edge of our bed. I scooted a little closer to sleep one night, and then when I woke up he was on the couch. It was even more obvious, because we'd landed back on the day we'd vanished somehow, so we were in half of each other's classes and _still _barely talked.

I did research, spent hours and hours on the internet and in the library learning all I could about depression and self-harm to try to understand. But it didn't give me any idea of why he was avoiding me, what I kept doing wrong. Within two days it got to the point when he came home after I went to bed and left before I woke up with nothing but a slowly growing pile of laundry and disappearing leftovers to tell me he'd come at all. Friday and Saturday he didn't come home at all.

So I called in the cavalry.

ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

EB: hey dave.

TG: whats up?

EB: have you heard from karkat lately?

TG: no

TG: why dont you live with him

EB: i do, but

EB: it's complicated.

TG: did you get a girlfriend or something?

EB: are you kidding me? i would have rubbed it in your face if i did!

EB: i saw something i wasn't supposed to.

TG: i didnt think you guys were like that

EB: we're not! we're just moirails.

TG: okay i still dont like that quadrant shit though

TG: even after being a troll

EB: no it's just…

EB: well he's already pissed off, so telling you shouldn't hurt.

EB: do you know karkat's depressed?

TG: yeah

TG: or i figured out that he was on the meteor

TG: i guess it carried over

EB: yeah. and he's been hurting himself

TG: so you saw him doing it

EB: no, just the marks. it wasn't pretty. i kind of froze. and in retrospect i guess that was bad, but then i hugged him.

TG: i dont know how much that would help

TG: hes probably thinking too much and freaking out

TG: have you told him?

EB: i tried but he won't talk to me and i'm worried.

EB: that's why i messaged you.

EB: the two of you are still friends right?

TG: yeah why wouldnt we be

EB: i don't know.

TG: so you want me to spy on him

EB: no just make sure he's alright

EB: tell him i'm sorry and that i'm worried. that sort of thing.

EB: maybe he'll listen to you.

TG: i can do that

TG: gimmie a minute

EB: okay

EB: good luck, dave.

TG: thanks

ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

I sat there staring hopelessly at pesterchum for a while. Five minutes, ten minutes, twenty minutes. And every second I stared I got more and more concerned. What was taking so long? Why wasn't Dave back? What were he and Karkat talking about?

What if Dave couldn't convince him? What if Karkat just thought I was being an asshole by going behind his back? What if he refused to talk to me?

Okay, well he was already doing that.

But what if he _really _refused to talk to me? Like forever?

…What if he moved out?

I felt like I was going to die.

Then I heard a little ping.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB]

CG: SO YOU SENT DAVE AFTER ME, HUH?

EB: karkat!

CG: YEAH, IT'S ME.

CG: YOU DIDN'T ANSWER ME, THOUGH. WHY DID YOU TELL DAVE?

EB: right, shit.

EB: karkat you weren't talking to me.

EB: and he said he'd figured it out.

CG: I KNOW.

CG: BUT FUCK

CG: I CAN'T EVEN COME UP WITH A GOOD FUCKING THING TO SAY.

EB: you hate me again, don't you?

CG: NO

CG: THINKING BACK, I NEVER REALLY DID.

EB: well that's… good?

CG: PROBABLY

EB: well i don't know if dave got to this part

EB: but even if he did now that I'm talking to you

EB: i'm sorry

CG: WHAT?

EB: I said that i'm sorry. i didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

CG: YOU DIDN'T.

EB: i'm confused.

CG: YOU DIDN'T HURT MY FEELINGS, JOHN.

EB: but then why'd you leave?

CG: DO YOU REALLY NEED TO ASK?

EB: yeah, because i don't get it.

CG: YOU DON'T?

CG: FUCK.

EB: what?

CG: I'M AN IDIOT.

EB: why?

CG: I

CG: YOU KNOW WHAT, I'LL BE RIGHT OVER. IT'LL BE LIKE FIVE MINUTES.

EB: what? where are you?

CG: ON THE BRIDGE OVER THE FREEWAY A FEW BLOCKS AWAY.

EB: KARKAT DON'T!

CG: CHILL OUT, IT'S NOT LIKE THAT. YOU DON'T HAVE TO SHOUT. I WAS TAKING A FUCKING WALK AND WAS ENJOYING THE VIEW UNTIL DAVE STARTED BOTHERING ME.

EB: oh, heh heh

CG: I HAVE TO PUT MY PHONE DOWN TO COME SEE YOU, OKAY? DON'T FREAK OUT AGAIN.

EB: okay, i'll see you soon

CG: BE RIGHT THERE.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB]

I logged off and shut my computer down. If we were going to have a big heart-to-heart talk I didn't want any interruptions. God, the place was a mess. There were clothes strewn all over, and junk on every surface except for the top of Casey and Mayor's terrarium.

Of course, if I did actually bother to clean he might get worried that something was really wrong, which was the last thing I had on my mind. However, I did shove my books off of his spot on the couch and rinse off the dishes that had piled up in the sink. I was thinking of maybe even trying to start putting my games and DVDs back on the shelf when there was a knock at the door.

Even though I knew he had a key and the door was unlocked anyway I went to answer it. I don't know why, but I felt almost let down when I opened the door and saw him standing there in jeans and a sweatshirt, the same as always. Maybe somewhere I was expecting him to look like a wreck, like he was feeling as much regret as I was. Maybe it was just selfish, or maybe I'd been so worried about him that it felt weird to not have it validated. The strangeness of just seeing him standing there made me instantly forget anything I was going to say.

"So… hi," he said meekly.

"Yeah! I-I'm glad to see you." I noticed with a jolt he was still standing on the other side of the threshold. "Hey, come in!" I took a step to the side. "If we're gonna be talking for a while I don't want this to be uncomfortable and awkward."

"Well, we're fucked in the ear with a twelve foot shovel, then," he replied, stepping in.

I laughed and closed the door behind him. "Yeah, well…"

I followed him over to the futon, and he plopped right down on his spot like I'd expected. He sat straight, though. Normally he'd slouch or lean back and he kept his shoes on and planted on the ground. I sat next to him and looked at my knees, feeling like I had a billiard ball lodged in my throat.

"So I guess…," he said softly, "Since I came here to talk we should probably do that."

I swallowed. "Okay."

He let out a great sigh. "Look, I left because I thought you would have wanted me to."

My head turned and I stared at him wide-eyed. "Why would you think that?"

"Every time you looked at me you froze and looked like you were staring down a rotting corpse. I guess it kind of makes sense." He let out a dry laugh. "It's not like they're particularly attractive."

Shit, fuck, this was all my fault. I wanted to say I was sorry, that I didn't mean to make him feel bad, that it was because I was really concerned about him. What came out instead was. "You think I care about that?"

He looked away and without thinking I gently took his hand. He let me pick it up, even though he flinched when I rolled his sleeve up to show the first scars. They were small, thin and orderly. I felt like I was going to throw up, imagining him curled up in his room with a knife or a razor. Even the echoes of the pain and desperation he must have felt almost made me cry. No wonder it showed on my face so clearly. I gently kissed his wrist, giving attention to every little scar that showed and then let him go. He lowered his hand back down to his thigh but stared at me intently, head slightly cocked to the side.

"Hear me out on this one, okay. I'm not going to say they're cute or anything because they're not. And I'm not gonna say that they're badass, because they're not like that either. But they show that _you're _badass. You're so strong Karkat, and you always have been. I don't know what you went through, and you don't need to tell me now. But you're still here now, and that's more important. And if I looked freaked out, it's because… Well, it's because it makes me so sad to think of you hurting that badly. It still does. I care about you. So much. And I don't want you to be hurting anymore."

When I looked back up tears were running down Karkat's face. One hand was covering his mouth, like he didn't want me to see him crying. I smiled and held out my arms. He all but jumped on me, and I _know _I'd never been hugged harder in my life. He was sobbing openly into my shoulder now. Not knowing what else to do, I pressed a few small kisses to the back of his neck, just because that's what was available, and slid my hands up and down his back soothingly.

Slowly, his sobs decreased to hiccupy breaths and then silence. I pulled away and wiped the last of his tears from his face. Karkat was a surprisingly pretty crier. His eyes were bloodshot and his face was really red, but there wasn't snot dripping or anything, so I didn't feel too bad about leaning in and kissing him softly. He reciprocated just as tenderly. It was one of those "everything is okay, it's just me, you're safe" kind of kisses that moirails were supposed to share, but it made me feel a little strange. Maybe it was being two humans, who weren't supposed to have quadrants, who didn't _do _platonic kissing usually, that gave it that feeling. But when we pulled apart and he had that weak, adorable smile I knew it was the right thing to do.

"Can I stay here tonight?" Karkat asked.

"You can stay as long as you want. I never asked you to leave."

He embraced me again, but it was a quick little touch this time.

"Let's go to bed then," he said.

"Sounds good. Is it okay if I shower first, though?"

"Yeah, whatever you want."

I got to my feet and offered him a hand with a smile. He took my hand and let me help him to his feet.

"Um, John?"

"Yeah?"

"Would- would it be weird if I came?" He wasn't looking at me again.

"Only if you make it weird," I replied with a smile. "We did it all the time before we got back, why does it have to change?"

He grinned. "I'm glad. I-if you think you can handle it, that is."

"Of course I can! Come on, Karkat, don't you trust me?"

A blush was his only reply.

It was a slightly different experience as we stripped in the bathroom, back to back like we'd done that day. I knew every detail of Karkat's troll body other than what was hidden behind his bone bulge, and he knew my body from the waist up from back in the day, but neither of us had ever seen the other completely human naked. I was as nervous as I'd been when he first suggested bathing together as trolls.

"_Come on, John!" _I thought to myself. _"This is just Karkat! Suck it up!"_

"A-are you ready?" he asked.

"Whenever you are."

"Alright then, on three, I guess. One, two, three!"

We both turned and Jesus _fuck _those scars were _everywhere. _It looked like all he'd spared beneath his clothes were his nipples and genitals. It made me want to wrap him up in a giant blanket and not let anything else hurt him again. He stiffened, bit his lip, and crossed his arms like he was trying to hide the marks.

"Wow, you sure have a lot of freckles!" I said, slapping a smile on my face.

"Fuck off!" But he was smiling again.

"It's true! Gosh, they're cute!" I touched his shoulders gently before stepping into the tub. "You have like a bajillion of them! A whole little freckle civilization!"

He followed me, an adorable scowl on his face. "Jesus! I'd forgotten how much shit you can spew out of your mouth at once! I swear, we should take you in to the fucking medical school. They'd love to dissect you and find out how your digestive track could have gotten so flipped around! What happened? Did you fuck yourself too hard one day and turn everything inside out? I swear, the shit you say is so stupid-!"

I cut him off by turning the cold water on.

"Fuck!" He scrambled and I started laughing.

I stopped when he grabbed the showerhead and turned it on me, though.

"Shit!"

I tried to reach past him to get to the hot knob, but my arms weren't _that _much longer than his, and he blocked me for a few seconds before he finally let me adjust the temperature to something resembling comfortable. As soon as it was, though, he put the thing back so that he could hog it all.

"So selfish," I grumbled, wrapping my arms around him to get warmer.

"It's for being a little shit," he replied, shaking his head and getting water on my face.

"So who's going first?" I asked.

"I'd like to wash you, if you don't mind."

I nodded and handed him the soap. He didn't meet my eyes as he did it, even though I was encouraging him the whole time. I didn't even complain when he got a little bit of shampoo in my eyes (I hadn't quite bent low enough). At first I wondered if he was embarrassed about himself, but then when it was my turn I couldn't help but wonder if he wasn't just exploring. I took my time too. After I got over the scar thing I began to actually look at his body, still a little slimmer than I thought was healthy, but less so than when he was a troll. It was strange noticing the way his muscles and bones were put together, too. The only human body I'd ever really seen up close was my own, and I'd never really appreciated the differences between troll and human anatomy before then. The two models were so similar, but there were the strangest little differences about the hips and legs and sides. I vaguely remembered a similar thought process the first time I'd ever hugged a troll.

His back didn't have scars on it either, so I could really appreciate his skin. It was so nice, creamy white and smooth and so soft to the touch. I imagined what he would have looked like whole and unhurt. But then again, those were part of who he was. In a twisted sort of way, he'd needed to go through all of that shit to come back and be my Karkat again.

I hate the game for making me think like that.

When we were in bed, Karkat safely dressed in flannel pajamas and tucked under my chin, I finally asked what I'd wanted to know since I first saw his scars.

"Are you seeing anyone about it?" I asked.

"Yeah. Early on I was kind of stupid and Kankri noticed. They put me on pills and got me in therapy and all that. It's just- it's weird to explain but it's an addiction. Maybe someday I'll tell you more. But one day I looked down and saw all of this shit, and instead of hating it I decided it was enough. And I've been doing it less and less often since then."

"Okay. Just promise me you'll keep trying, alright?"

"I will. And John?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

"You're welcome."

"But I hope you know that this is shit pillow talk."

"I know." I gently stroked his back and he kissed my collarbone.

"Goodnight," I whispered.

He let out a muffled noise and nuzzled me.

I buried my nose in his hair. A smile spread across my lips. I couldn't help it; my bed and life were full again.


End file.
